


like real people do

by anothersadsong



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: As it should be, F/M, Pining, a little bit of jealousy, a little bit of sexytimes, and finally getting their shit together in the end, but cassian is a bit of an idiot and doesn't y'know TALK ABOUT HIS FEELINGS, seemingly unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28426173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anothersadsong/pseuds/anothersadsong
Summary: four missed connections, one lucky breakHi, lollercakes, it’s me, your Rebelcaptain Secret Santa! I had such a hard time choosing between your two amazing prompts, but eventually settled on four missed connections and one that wasn’t. I would’ve sent you snippets along the way, but November and December have been extremely busy months for me at work and helping my child with school, so I could only work in bits and pieces and have spent the last week editing like a madwoman.I hope you enjoy!
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 7
Kudos: 69
Collections: The RebelCaptain Network Secret Santa Exchange





	like real people do

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lollercakes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lollercakes/gifts).



Cassian knew that the worst time to think about the nebulous definition of his relationship with Jyn was while they were sharing a bed - all wrapped up and still catching their breath from their latest go-round. 

But then, his timing with her had always been just a little off. 

He had been working, of course, finishing up a report on his latest mission when the door to his small quarters had whooshed open and there Jyn was - a little disheveled from the training session she’d been at - he made it a point to know her schedule as certainly as he knew his own, always wanting to be aware of where she was just in case. 

(He thought a lot about that, too. 

Just in case.)

After months of … sneaking around and falling into bed together in the rare opportune moments to do, he thought he knew exactly what that mischievous glint in her eyes meant. She’d had a good match. And now she wanted to work off the adrenaline pulsing through her veins. 

Cassian wanted to sit and talk and kriffing figure out what the hell they even were to each other - what he wanted her to be - but she could be very persuasive when she wanted to be and he, as always, was helpless to her particular charms. 

And she was charming as she kissed him into breathlessness and murmured hello against his lips and worked his jacket from his shoulders and led him to his too-small bunk and touched and teased and tasted in all the ways she wanted to and he needed from her until they cried out for each other and settled in together to rest a little before returning to their everyday life within the Rebellion. 

Nobody would ever think Captain Cassian Andor a coward, but in the quiet, instead of stepping into the unknown and admitting that he’s loved her since Scarif or maybe even ‘trust goes both ways’, or even before, their first meeting, seeing the same loss and anger and sadness in her eyes that he himself felt … Cassian said nothing. Simply contented himself with tracing random patterns into the skin of her shoulder. 

Later, he half-heartedly tried to convince himself. There was always later. 

Belatedly, he realized, something continually got in the way of later. 

(i)

Jyn wasn’t technically a Pathfinder. But Jyn had an abundance of skills that would be useful to the elite special forces. She was a competent - and brutal - fighter. She was a pro at pickpocketing and could lie the pants off of anybody she needed anything from. She was a talented forger and slicer. In his eyes, she could pretty much do anything. 

Which was precisely why he had left his meeting with a brusque apology and rushed to the hangar bay, hoping that her transport hadn’t yet lifted off. He hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye, hadn’t quietly asked her to please come back. 

Cassian’s heart dropped into the pit of his stomach to realize that he had missed his chance. Their eyes had met as Jyn boarded, she nodded her head slightly, an unspoken agreement to his unasked question. Yes, she would return. He ached with unsaid words, but her go.

Later.

He realized just how easy it was to fall into familiar patterns upon Jyn’s return. He was there this time, but instead of speaking, she’d just dragged him into the first unoccupied room they had found and rendered him speechless when she had dropped to her knees and reached for his belt and used her pretty mouth to bring him to his metaphorical knees. 

And then, in lieu of talking, he had done the same. 

Hell of a welcome home, that. 

But again, there wasn’t much space for a heart-to-heart when they were constantly being pulled in different directions. Jyn had a mission debriefing to attend and was quite possibly already running late thanks to their extracurricular activities. Cassian had a training session with the three most promising recruits in Intelligence. 

He was the best for reasons not entirely owing to sheer dumb luck … although it had helped. 

Cassian had brushed Jyn’s messy hair out of her eyes and gently pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes and taking a breath, just enjoying what little time they still had together. He pulled away and pressed a kiss to the very same spot, murmuring an apology and the promise of ‘later’. 

Always later. 

(ii)

Alarms always sounded at the most inopportune times. Namely when Jyn has dragged Cassian into his blessedly empty U-Wing and kissed him into dizziness, the pair of them sticking their hands in each other’s trousers like horny teenagers - because neither had ever really gotten the chance to act their ages before. 

Cassian couldn’t help blowing out a chagrined little chuckle as Jyn pulled away, darkly muttering as she tried to fix herself into some sort of presentable condition before giving up completely and offering a small, spare smile. 

He swallowed hard as he forced the urge to tell her how he felt away - safely compartmentalized along with everything else he’d had to pack away to deal with later. 

“Be safe” was the only thing he managed as they both made a run for their respective stations, preparing for a battle or an evacuation of their base, or both. 

Of course he worried - even long after the immediate danger had passed - but this was what living in the midst of wartime was like. And his heart ached at the thought of losing Jyn without ever telling her how deeply his feelings ran. 

Sooner, rather than later. It just didn’t seem fair to make himself miserable by hiding his feelings, and it wasn’t right to leave Jyn in the dark while sleeping together whenever the opportunity arose. It wasn’t right.

Soon. 

(iii)

A skirmish with a cadre of ‘Troopers on some backwater burg had resulted in irreparable damage to Cassian’s cybernetically repaired spine. He’d managed to drag himself into his transport before collapsing, still barking orders at the crew set the coordinates back to base and to take off as soon as possible. He showed no fear, but when he could no longer feel any sensation in his legs, his blood ran like ice through his veins. 

There was a medteam waiting for him upon his return - along with a repulsorlift stretcher and a shot of the heavy sedatives to prepare him for yet another surgery. Not exactly the welcome he would have wanted, but at least he’d made it back … not necessarily unscathed or in one piece. 

Time would tell how extensive the new injuries would be. 

Somewhere between bouts of hazy consciousness, Cassian was aware that Jyn was there, somewhere, insisting that she be allowed to see for herself that he was okay, being told by the medics that she could visit when he was in recovery.

He reached out, weakly, wanting nothing more than to be able to reassure her that she wasn’t going to be rid of him so easily, but the words wouldn’t quite come. 

Cassian fought for as long as he could to stay awake just to catch a glimpse of Jyn, but eventually he closed his eyes and they did not open again. The surgery to replace his damaged implants was a long and complicated affair, but after many hours worth of detailed, delicate work and a long dip in the bacta tank, Cassian was released to a blessedly private room to recover. 

He woke up in bits and pieces and could never stay awake long, but there was always one constant - Jyn was right there beside him, holding his hand loosely. 

His mind was too sluggish to allow him to say all the things he wanted to say, to allow the words to tumble past his lips and spill between them, but at least he was able to manage _I’m glad you’re here._

Because he was. 

“You’d do the same for me”, she replied, and while Cassian wanted to answer that he’d do so much more, the pain medication once more took hold and dragged him, unwilling, into sleep once more. 

Later. 

When he was well, he’d make the time to sit down and talk. 

Later.

(iv)

Cassian wasn’t trying to be antisocial. It was just - okay, yes, he was a private person and while he knew and maintained plenty of relationships on base, he didn’t let very many people close to him. 

There were exceptions to the rule, of course, and he’d inevitably gotten close to his Rogue One family, but not like he’d allowed Jyn into his life. She knew the closest version to the truth of him there was, only a thin veneer remained.

It had been difficult to break those walls down, making himself vulnerable to hurt and heartache and pain although he still trusted Jyn with every part of him and then some, whether it was in the heart of battle or in the quiet moments that came so few and far between.

Still, in the midst of a long overdue celebration, Cassian didn’t seem to be in much of a celebratory mood. Watching Jyn dance with a slightly inebriated young pilot had soured his mood considerably. Seeing the light in her eyes and the brilliant grin on her face, and - she’d never really looked at him like that before. 

Maybe he’d never given her reason to. 

All he knew was that his stomach was twisted in knots and he couldn’t untangle it. 

Cassian stood up suddenly, almost upsetting the drink that had been sitting in front of him. He couldn’t watch any longer. He wasn’t trying to make a scene and would have preferred making a quick escape that wouldn’t attract any interested eyes. 

His limp was still very obvious, and he internally kicked himself as he clumsily retreated from the makeshift cantina and through familiar halls toward his quarters.

Well. Mission failed.

Cassian didn’t get very far before he heard Jyn’s voice behind him, confused and concerned. But he didn’t look back. He couldn’t. 

(v)

It had been easy to avoid seeing Jyn in the days following the disastrous night out. Cassian kept himself busy as much as possible - and since there was always something that needed doing, he had no shortage of tasks to see to. 

He should have known that Jyn wouldn’t accept his pointed absence sitting down. She confronted him just as he was returning to his quarters after having eaten dinner alone, adamant upon spending the rest of the night alone (with his own thoughts). 

He was quick, but she was quicker, sliding between Cassian and the door, her determination clear in her expression. She wasn’t leaving without a fight. Or maybe an explanation. Cassian supposed she probably deserved to receive one, no matter how much it would tear him apart to let her go even though she had never been his to begin with. 

“What is wrong with you?”, she asked, and he almost laughed, having wondered the same thing many times over the past months. 

Cassian opened his mouth to speak, but no words tumbled forth. He scrubbed his hands over his face, feeling as helpless as he ever had before. Funny, how she could bring him to his metaphorical knees with just one question. 

He wasn’t going to lie. Not to Jyn. Not now, not ever. 

When he dared meet her eyes again, it was with an expression as baldly and honestly afraid as he had ever let her see him. 

Here it was - now or never. 

Again, his lips parted, but before he could begin to speak, Jyn beat him to the punch. 

“I love you - “, she ground out, and he was almost sure that his heart had stopped beating completely. “I thought you felt the same, but … “

His stalled out heart plummeted into the pit of his stomach, and he eventually blew out a harsh breath.

“But I’ve been running away.”

Jyn was wary, that much was clear, but Cassian watched an eyebrow raise very slowly and wanted to believe that despite it all, there was still hope to be found. 

He cringed even as he spoke, more than aware that his explanation just sounded ridiculous. “I’ve been trying to tell you for months, but every time I got close, I just … shut down.”

Cassian wanted to take a step forward or reach out to Jyn, but stayed rooted to the spot instead. He had no idea how welcome either gesture would have been. He was so concentrated on maintaining a respectable distance that - hardened spy and keen observer that he was - didn’t even notice Jyn’s expression change completely, disbelief written all over her features. 

“You are so kriffing stupid, Cassian”, she muttered, surging forward and bracketing his face with her hands as it shot up, catching him off-guard and rendering him speechless by pressing her lips to his in a hard (but not punishing) kiss. “Just tell me. Tell me how you feel. This isn’t going to work if we can’t communicate properly.”

“This - ?”

“Don’t be an idiot”, she replied, blindly reaching back and deftly pressing his code into the door lock, stepping backwards into his quarters once the door whooshed open, pulling him with her. 

“I’m yours. You’re mine.”

And that, he hoped, was how it would always be, laughing in relief as the door closed behind them, offering some privacy from the outside world. 

He’d need time, after all, to make up for how ridiculous he’d been.


End file.
